Loss
Loss
I've never experienced great loss, I've never not had someone in my life that didn't voluntarily leave. I suppose I lived in naivety thinking those around me, those I loved could never be touched. I've seen others "lose" others close to them. Lose. What a word. What a word to use in regards to a person. You lose socks, you lose money. How do you "lose" someone you love. It's hard for me to say it. It's even harder for me to say his name. Harder for me to look at his face in pictures. There was no goodbye, there wasn't anything. I still live in a little bit of denial, even after 2 years. It hurts me more that the boy I feel in love with at 12 years old. The boy who had my heart immediately after we met. We bonded him and I. Became immediate family. My brother. My heart. My favorite. All that describes him to me and I can't even say his name anymore.
It hurts me everyday. I feel the loss of his energy, and his presence all around me. He was my Joshua, and now he is no more. We won't grow together anymore. I'll never be held by him. The safety he wrapped around me, I'll never feel again. I'll always want his love. The only man in my life that never harmed me, never left. Joshua stayed. He stayed, always. Only to be taken away. I don't believe in those comforting words that people tell you "He was called home." "He went to someplace better." BULLSHIT. BULLSHIT. BULLSHIT. He belonged here. He belonged with me. He belonged with his loved ones. He was stolen.
I think often about the journeys we would have traveled down together. The events of my life that he would have been apart of. His life events I would have been apart of, that I would have witnessed. I'll never be able to hear his voice again. Hear his excitement, or disapproval of anything I do. He'll never meet the love of my life. He'll never meet my future children to be. I'll never be able to have him within arms reach again. Like that, my heart breaks over and over and over again. I've got a gaping hole in my heart where he occupied the most space. That is my loss. Everything he ever brought to my life shattered in one single swift moment. My mother tells me that it will never completely go away. You will always feel it, and it feels just as fresh as the first day. A day that still remains a complete blur.
In the most innocent, pure way. He was the love of my life. The love of my life since 12 years old. I miss him. Beyond words I miss him. He was and will remain my most favorite person to have walked this earth. Loss doesn't cut it when you speak of all a person was and is no more. The word loss doesn't compare to the devastation that is left in the wake of death. The destruction of the hole left in your life. Loss is for the pennies, socks, and glasses. Not for the energy that once radiated from a beautiful human xx
I've never experienced great loss, I've never not had someone in my life that didn't voluntarily leave. I suppose I lived in naivety thinking those around me, those I loved could never be touched. I've seen others "lose" others close to them. Lose. What a word. What a word to use in regards to a person. You lose socks, you lose money. How do you "lose" someone you love. It's hard for me to say it. It's even harder for me to say his name. Harder for me to look at his face in pictures. There was no goodbye, there wasn't anything. I still live in a little bit of denial, even after 2 years. It hurts me more that the boy I feel in love with at 12 years old. The boy who had my heart immediately after we met. We bonded him and I. Became immediate family. My brother. My heart. My favorite. All that describes him to me and I can't even say his name anymore.
It hurts me everyday. I feel the loss of his energy, and his presence all around me. He was my Joshua, and now he is no more. We won't grow together anymore. I'll never be held by him. The safety he wrapped around me, I'll never feel again. I'll always want his love. The only man in my life that never harmed me, never left. Joshua stayed. He stayed, always. Only to be taken away. I don't believe in those comforting words that people tell you "He was called home." "He went to someplace better." BULLSHIT. BULLSHIT. BULLSHIT. He belonged here. He belonged with me. He belonged with his loved ones. He was stolen.
I think often about the journeys we would have traveled down together. The events of my life that he would have been apart of. His life events I would have been apart of, that I would have witnessed. I'll never be able to hear his voice again. Hear his excitement, or disapproval of anything I do. He'll never meet the love of my life. He'll never meet my future children to be. I'll never be able to have him within arms reach again. Like that, my heart breaks over and over and over again. I've got a gaping hole in my heart where he occupied the most space. That is my loss. Everything he ever brought to my life shattered in one single swift moment. My mother tells me that it will never completely go away. You will always feel it, and it feels just as fresh as the first day. A day that still remains a complete blur.
In the most innocent, pure way. He was the love of my life. The love of my life since 12 years old. I miss him. Beyond words I miss him. He was and will remain my most favorite person to have walked this earth. Loss doesn't cut it when you speak of all a person was and is no more. The word loss doesn't compare to the devastation that is left in the wake of death. The destruction of the hole left in your life. Loss is for the pennies, socks, and glasses. Not for the energy that once radiated from a beautiful human xx
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