Repetition
Repetition
If only I could fully explain to you what happens in my days, that you would know how it feels, looks, tastes, and sounds like. That just saying it feels like a blur, like days mixing together, and they're all the same thing so nothing feels off. The only off thing about it is that nothing feels different.
I use to feel safe in my routine, I never wanted to deter from it. Now all I want is to run from it. On long weekends like this one, Memorial weekend, I felt like I was in purgatory. Everyday the same instance went on and on and on. Makes no difference when the week comes, because then that will be the same as well. Makes me feel lost, stuck. As if I'm living a life that's not really mine. Things are moving past me, I know this much from seeing the events in other's lives around me. Changes are happening and here I am stuck in the same mundane routine that I've been in for nearly a year now. A part of this repetition is waiting. Waiting. I've waited so long I feel that, I really am no longer waiting on anything to happen. It's just the act of waiting that has imprinted on my life.
I'm steadily pulling myself from the quicksand. More than ever I am alone, this is the most alone I've ever felt in my life. Loneliness can be a freeing thing for some and for others a damning thing. I've been myself for so long that I don't know that ultimate freeing sensations others get. I only have and have had the aftereffect, the gift of knowing one's self truly inward and outward. I've always felt damned. Damned, that I know myself better than anyone else in the world, so much so I had myself believing I didn't need anyone else. Damned, because in solitude you can never be misunderstood, so why be in the company of others? Everyone needs someone, you always and will always have yourself, but you will always have a need for someone. I have to remind myself I'm not weak for wanting another, wanting another's company. That it's ok to include someone into my daily life.
I tell myself I can break free, but then I think "and do what?!' It's pathetic, I can't even think of what I would want to do to break the chains. I think of what and who I'm waiting on. I think of those plans, and I become excited. I see something to look forward to. I crave reassurance because of the fact that these are things I am still waiting on. Things that can easily slip through one's fingers. Reassurance to let me know to keep hanging on. I get flooded with sadness when I am aware of being in the repetitious flow of my life at the moment, but I keep reminding myself, "It's only AT THIS MOMENT." I'm more aware than most that things happen for a reason, situations occur and situations end, and then next thing you know..there you are.
I'm waiting more than ever for that "there you are" moment. xx
If only I could fully explain to you what happens in my days, that you would know how it feels, looks, tastes, and sounds like. That just saying it feels like a blur, like days mixing together, and they're all the same thing so nothing feels off. The only off thing about it is that nothing feels different.
I use to feel safe in my routine, I never wanted to deter from it. Now all I want is to run from it. On long weekends like this one, Memorial weekend, I felt like I was in purgatory. Everyday the same instance went on and on and on. Makes no difference when the week comes, because then that will be the same as well. Makes me feel lost, stuck. As if I'm living a life that's not really mine. Things are moving past me, I know this much from seeing the events in other's lives around me. Changes are happening and here I am stuck in the same mundane routine that I've been in for nearly a year now. A part of this repetition is waiting. Waiting. I've waited so long I feel that, I really am no longer waiting on anything to happen. It's just the act of waiting that has imprinted on my life.
I'm steadily pulling myself from the quicksand. More than ever I am alone, this is the most alone I've ever felt in my life. Loneliness can be a freeing thing for some and for others a damning thing. I've been myself for so long that I don't know that ultimate freeing sensations others get. I only have and have had the aftereffect, the gift of knowing one's self truly inward and outward. I've always felt damned. Damned, that I know myself better than anyone else in the world, so much so I had myself believing I didn't need anyone else. Damned, because in solitude you can never be misunderstood, so why be in the company of others? Everyone needs someone, you always and will always have yourself, but you will always have a need for someone. I have to remind myself I'm not weak for wanting another, wanting another's company. That it's ok to include someone into my daily life.
I tell myself I can break free, but then I think "and do what?!' It's pathetic, I can't even think of what I would want to do to break the chains. I think of what and who I'm waiting on. I think of those plans, and I become excited. I see something to look forward to. I crave reassurance because of the fact that these are things I am still waiting on. Things that can easily slip through one's fingers. Reassurance to let me know to keep hanging on. I get flooded with sadness when I am aware of being in the repetitious flow of my life at the moment, but I keep reminding myself, "It's only AT THIS MOMENT." I'm more aware than most that things happen for a reason, situations occur and situations end, and then next thing you know..there you are.
I'm waiting more than ever for that "there you are" moment. xx
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